Hi EX

How sad. Really really sad.


The story that started so sweetly ended too early, too abrupt.


The sad part is that I thought I finally found someone I can lean on when I feel weak.


It's tiring trying to be strong all your life you know.  I'm tired of always being the one people lean on, I was glad you came. Was glad.


We have had so many differences; beliefs, practices, circle of friends, tastes.  But I embraced all the differences because of a promising life I thought I’d have with you.


And then, the inevitable.  When I have to pursue something for me, for the people who depend on me.  The choice that changed everything.  That shattered all our illusions.


I know I chose to be here.  But is it too much to ask for specific simple things?  Like a healthier environment where I'd be treated more like a person and not as a machine? Is it a crime to want something more than mediocrity?


I was just trying to honor my emotions, you know.  Trying to recognize my feelings and not deny myself from feeling such.  I don't wanna run away from my feelings like most people do, you see.  That's not my style.  So, I feel it.  All the pain, everything, until it would hurt me no more.  I have no plans of staying in the dark.  But I have to go through it.  And all I'm asking is for you to hold my hand while I do so.  Not for you to slip away from my grasp.


I was just trying to find my place in this jungle.  I didn't know that doing so, I'd lost you in the process.  Did I shove you away? It was never my intention.  Did my weakness scare you?  Don't I have the right to be human at some point?


I was just trying to figure out how i can solve my own problems.  I wasn't asking you to solve them for me.  All i'm asking is for you to listen.  I didn't realize I was being such a burden venting it all out.  I just thought I've got a best friend in you.  I was wrong.  I see that now.  Sorry for wasting your time.


Have I ever demanded anything from you which i know you can never afford?  I know I haven't. I never will.  So what I asked is something you already own.  Just your time. I didn't know even that is expensive for you.  You should have told me early on so I wouldn't have waited.  And waited.   And waited for you to give it.  Until I got tired of waiting.  I'm human.  I couldn't emphasize it enough.

You know too well i'm only hanging by a thread now, on faith, on hope, on joy, on sanity.  And you chose to leave in the middle of it all.  Thank you for being the partner I've always wanted to have.


Funny how we both fell for illusions.  You, fell for someone so perfectly happy you thought she doesn't have the right to feel pain, or down, or hopeless.  Silly illusion. She's human too in case you forgot.  She feels tired, she gets hurt, she gets confused, she fears the dark, she's not perfect.  Even Jesus agonized.  What makes you think she's exempted from suffering?  Or succumbing to pain?  She's human. Oh, too human for you to understand.


Me?  I fell for someone I thought was strong enough to catch me.  Someone who promised he got me.  Someone who I thought for the first time is willing to listen and to understand.  Not someone who will use all the information i divulged against me. To judge me, condemn me and make conclusions i never thought he'd be capable of making.  


The feeling of security whenever you're there, I don't know where it's gone now.  


So silly of me to still believe, despite the betrayals I have had in the past.  What made me think you'd be different from the rest? Illusion. That's what made me think you're different.  You're not the man I fell in love with anymore.  He's nothing but a mere bitter sweet memory now.  Just like everyone else before him.


Thanks for proving to me once more that all i can really depend on is me.  Always have, always will.  From childhood til adulthood, no one really was there when I need one.  In case you'd presume i drive people away because I wanna be alone, I'd tell you now that I tried reaching out.  I just have had enough rejections to last me a lifetime so i stopped.  Oh, you bring such fond childhood memories back.   


I just wish you'd never be in my situation now - when you're desperate to make all things right despite everything going against you - time, situations, opportunities, people, even family, and be left on your own to figure all things out.  


I hope you'll never be in the darkest, lowest moment of your life, and the only hand you're holding on to will let you go.


I'll never wish that to you.


Best of luck to you (I never believe in luck, but I know you do). 



I hope I made you happy because it was the happiest, sweetest 9 months of my life that I will treasure forever.