Dear Future Lover

All of my life I’ve felt like I’ve had to change for the people around me–my parents, my friends, my bosses, my romantic interests. All my life I wasted so much of my time shedding the authentic skin of who I was for a false belief–that belief being the fact that I was unloveable. It was instilled in me from childhood by the people who were supposed to have my back. Their words and their actions made me feel I had to work to be lovable–that I was unworthy of it as I was. So I became a perfectionist, I shed weight, I watched how I talked and acted. I became a shell–hallow and unfulfilled. I felt like a mirage instead of the image of the person I could have been. And to be honest I don’t really know who that person would have been– who I would have been. I suppose I’m writing this because sometimes, despite all of the time and effort I have made working on myself, I still deal with these things. I still feel unlovable. I still feel like unless I work hard at this or that someday you might leave. I used to be mean to myself, but now I’m just hard on myself for all the years I wasted being my own worst enemy. I guess I just wanted you to know where some of this stems from–where this part of me I don’t like got its origin. And I’m sorry if it’s something you see in me and don’t like, but truth be told I will always dislike it more than you ever could. So please be patient. Please be kind. And I guess the good news for you is that you can always leave–I can’t.