When Moving On Fails
They say that letting go is easier than moving on.
I think that “starting over” is the hardest part.
You let go when you know that you are fighting a lost cause.
You move on when you know that you have something more to live for.
But in starting over, you go back from the very beginning – alone.
Sabi nila, “time heals all wounds.” But I think that time just dulls the pain until we come to the point na kaya na nating balikan ang nakaraan ng walang nararamdamang kahit ano. The longer we cling to the past and to the memory of those people who have hurt us, the harder it will be to start anew. In moving on, kailangan sa future lang nakatuon ang mindset mo, dahil kung hindi, makukulong ka sa isang nakaraan na kahit anong pilit mong talikuran, hindi mo makakayang takasan.
“When does the pain ends, and the healing starts?”
Masasabi nga ba natin kung kailan? May timeframe ba na kailangang buuin at sundin? Hindi ko alam. Ang alam ko lang, in moving on, kailangan buo ang loob mo. Walang pag aalinlangan. Kailangang tanggap mo ang lahat. Otherwise, you will just find yourself constantly revisiting the “what has been’s” and wishing about the “what could’ve been’s”.
Kahit noon pa man, alam ko na that moving on will never be easy. But I still tried. Hard. I used the only coping mechanism that I could at the time. I turned away from all the pain. I shut off my emotions. Itinago ko ang lahat ng sakit at disappointments na naramdaman ko. I focused on a single feeling – anger. I have used anger as a defense, a talisman to ward off all the pains. Akala ko, ok na. But at the back of my mind, a single thought kept on nagging me – “What will happen when all the anger has been used up and all that are left are the pains and heartaches?” At the time, I ignored the warning, but it was then that I knew that one day, babalikan ako ng lahat lahat ng emosyon na pinilit kong itinago – pain being the first on the list.
Still, I envisioned myself encased in a suit of armor – little did I know that my armor was made of clay. I was a fool to let myself believe na makakalimot ako in 3 months time. And then, it came – that day na hindi ko napaghandaan. All it took was just a single glimpse of your face, of your smile, and everything just crumbled and fell apart.
Sabi nila, granting forgiveness is a choice. Gaya ng pag move on, dapat wala ding pag aalinlangan ang pagbibigay ng kapatawaran, dahil kung hindi, paano tuluyang mawawala ang sakit? Paano maghihilom ang mga sugat? Paano makakapag simulang muli?
Kaya ba nila sinabing “To forgive is to forget”? Dahil ba, once na napatawad mo na, kailangan ng kalimutan ang lahat at hindi na dapat ungkatin pa ang mga dahilan at ang nakaraan? Dati, may nagsabi sa akin ng, “Buti pa ang Diyos, nakakapagpatawad, ikaw pa kaya na tao lang?” I hated that. Though, a part of it is true, I still hated it. Kaya nga siya Diyos di ba? Dahil kaya Niyang magmahal unconditionally. And kaya nga ako tao, because I have my weaknesses. And granting forgiveness is one of them.
But still, as I gaze at you, naisip ko pa din, kaya ko na bang magpatawad? Handa na ba akong kalimutan ang lahat? And the answer is – not yet. Not when it still hurts. Deeply.
All I know is that, I have tried looking for love in the most unexpected places, but the truth still remains. Ikaw lang. Ikaw pa rin. Sayang lang. Dahil sadyang may mga pagkakataon na hindi na sapat ang pagmamahal lang.
After all, love ISN’T everything.
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